So…’The First Purge’ sucked.
As much as I don’t want to establish negativity on my first piece for NC VIEWS, this movie was the most disappointment I’ve felt since Syre: The Electric Album (it’s been a rough week).
As a huge fan of the first three films in the series, the only horror I experienced was seeing the franchise I loved devolve into boring, corny, action movie. The few jump scares were predictable, the protagonist who seemed to be a strong, independent, social activist female had to be saved by the big strong buff guy at the end, and the soundtrack featured Rich The Kid’s “Plug Walk” and Desiigner’s “Up” tossed in haphazardly, and a blasphemously cheesy use of Kendrick Lamar’s anthem “Alright”.
After getting all of that off my chest, I can finally focus on the actual topic of this article: exploring the strengths and weaknesses real world athletes competing to survive in the ‘Purge’ universe. My approach to this is to adapt my love for fantasy sports leagues to project the performance of my Dream Team of Purge competitors. Let’s get started!
Pekka Rinne (NHL Goaltender- Nashville Predators)
Despite hailing from Minnesota, “The State of Hockey,” I am unable to, in good conscience, put a hockey player on my dream team. While the argument for speed could be made (as everyone knows hockey requires above all strong, conditioned legs), the translation from ice to solid ground leaves even the fastest hockey players well behind other athletes. In addition, with the exception of the nearly extinct Enforcer (a guy paid to beat up other hockey players), hockey players are generally not known for their size relative to sports like football or rugby. While I chose Pekka for his size (6’5” 217 pounds), reflexes, and juggernaut levels of padding, I make a similar argument against him as I do against Tony Stark: if everyone had the armor, he wouldn’t really be special.
Neymar (FIFA Forward- Brazilian National “Football” Team)
I feel that it is important for me to establish in my first article for NC Views that my personal views on Soccer are fairly acidic. I think it’s a far more boring sport than baseball or even golf, with majorly flawed timekeeping and penalty system, and one whose only required skill is marathon runner level conditioning. With that said, Neymar da Silva Santos Junior has infamously perfected the one skill of soccer that could feasibly translate to The Purge: playing dead.
Insert rolling on the ground like a bitch GIF.
Mic drop .
The Dream Team:
James Harrison (NFL Linebacker – New England Patriot at the end but Pittsburgh Steeler in our hearts)
While it would be all to easy to pick someone like Ray Lewis or OJ Simpson who “allegedly” don’t already have experience murdering people, I decided to pick one of the most terrifying players to walk an NFL field. Harrison is six feet of 275 pounds of all muscle who can bench TWO REPS of FIVE HUNDRED POUNDS, struck fear into the hearts of even seasoned quarterbacks, let alone Purge-goers, and sweats pure testosterone. A football player is a fairly predictable selection for my team due to the size, strength, and speed required by the game, but this monster of a linebacker narrowly beats out JJ Watt as my choice of the biggest, toughest, and all-around scariest athlete the NFL has to offer (mostly because I hate both the Wisconsin Badgers and Houston Texans, Watt’s college and professional team respectively).
Amanda Nunes (Reigning UFC Women’s Bantamweight Champion)
A UFC fighter is one of few givens on a Purge Dream Team, but my selection of Amanda Nunes is a result of both careful judgement and like anything else I write about: heavy bias. UFC is one of the few sports where male and female athletes are fairly evenly matched. Though it would never happen, a matchup between a male and female fighter of equivalent weight classes and skill could go either way, as the male would not retain any dominant physical advantage such as height in basketball or size in hockey which usually sets the genders apart. Thus, a female UFC fighter has one superiority that I would prefer for my team: the tendency to be a mean, tough, badass without also being a cocky prick (Ex: Conor McGregor, TJ Dillashaw, Anderson Silva, the list goes on and on). This attitude difference is helpful for keeping a level head and knowing one’s abilities and limits, which is an important trait for any battle, let alone The Purge. Amanda Nunes, however, is far and away my favorite for pummeling the Bantamweight Title away from former champion and D-grade aspiring actress Ronda Rousey, in one of my most treasured clips in sports history (can you tell I’m not a Rousey fan?). Plus, I want my team to emerge victorious on Purge night, so it makes sense for me to fill its roster with champions.
Aaron Judge (MLB Outfielder – New York Yankees)
He’s bigger than Rob Gronkowski.
While I may poke fun at baseball, putting an MLB player on my team is of the utmost importance. You see, my whole plan for putting this team together revolves around NCViews.com becoming world famous so that I can use my clout to persuade these athletes to work with me in a Purge. In order to do that, I need to still be writing here when the site blows up, which means sucking up to my new boss Matt Ritchie and including a player from the sport he plays and loves on my dream team.
Why Judge? I hear he is good at swinging a bat, which I guess could be useful for the Purge.
Justify (Most Recent Horse to Complete the Triple Crown of Thoroughbred Racing)
As the fearless leader of my Purge Dream Team, I need a mount equally as awesome. Therefore, I selected the sixth inbred descendant of Secretariat (don’t ask, horse pedigrees led me down a dark wikipedia path that even a backwoods Mississippi hillbilly would find taboo), and winner of both the Preakness and Belmont Stakes, as well as the Kentucky Derby. In addition to being fast as shit, Justify’s breeding rights after winning the Triple Crown are estimated to be between $60 and $75 million. For me, that is way too much for horse semen, but to each their own.